mango fantasy at dawn

wanna come with me to CT and study martial arts?  and have a really fun house together?

do I stay or do I go???

Discipline is hard.  It’s difficult for me to walk the fine line between forcing and beating myself, and just doing whatever the hell I feel like.  I’ve never had a long-term discipline, except for going to school I guess, but I didn’t have much of a choice about that.  Now I have an idea of how to do it, but I haven’t got the hang of it yet.  I think it involves not thinking much about what I’m doing (or anything else); doing it for fun; knowing that I’m going to be even happier and more at one with things because of it; always being gentle, loving and compassionate with myself.  I have a tendency to be very hard on myself, so that last part is very important!

I love creating.  Music, pictures, games, stories.  I want to find a way to make a living with art.

I need a job.  Not just anything.  No grocery stores or gas stations or other such headache-inducing places!

Something in the outdoors would be wonderful.

Not involving toxic chemicals though.

Or in a used book store, health food store, vegan restaurant, rock climbing gym, camping supply store,  art gallery, music hall, etc.  The most important thing though is that my boss and coworkers are awesome.

I’m in love with J.R.R. Tolkien just for his writing.  And Bela Fleck cuz he’s a musical genius AND he’s hot.  Everyone he plays with is a genius!  I am going to a concert soon: I can feel it.

I have this feeling that everything will work out just fine, and there’s no need to force anything.  It probably won’t work out as I want or expect.  It will probably be better.

Life seems to be generally like that these days.  I guess it always was.  I just didn’t notice, most of the time.

It’s a test, a challenge set before me.  It’s one that I’ve failed multiple times before.  To not restrict myself.  To let myself flow, to express whatever wants to come out.

Sometimes I’m afraid to be awesome.

Passing the test doesn’t involve just completing a certain action–I’ve done that before. I have to do it just right–pass the test with flying colors or I don’t pass at all!

I jumped off the cliff once already.  It was scary.  Now I’ve just gotta do it and enjoy it the whole way down.

Haha I’m such a dumbass.  I like feeling like a crazy little kid because, really, I am one.  That’s when life is the funnest.  It’s really funny too when I screw up the easiest little things.  Then I have an excuse: "Hey who cares, I’m five years old."  I really think looking at people’s age in years and assuming that there’s a correlation between that and emotional maturity is totally ridiculous.  That leads to people expecting 23-year-olds to do things like, for instance, not run down the aisles in supermarkets barefoot.  And then when certain 23-year-olds break those expectations, some people get really upset and offended.  "You should know better!"  Well obviously if I "knew better" I wouldn’t be doing it, would I?  It would make more sense to think something like, "Haha crazy little kid" or something with a similar meaning ("She’s really a five-year-old at heart…").

Anyway, there really are a bunch of ways in which I am still a five-year-old, or even younger, and one of them is in relating to boys that I really like: what I end up doing is acting psycho and harrassing them, and being hyper and nervous, instead of…anything more satisfying to me.

I’m in love with someone
but whenever I talk to him
my brain falls out of my head!
silly me…

What is love anyway?
If it means attachment, possession, obligation, wanting, waiting, having, self-consciousness and doubt
…..
BLECH
give me a barf bag!
I’ve had enough of that.
"Love" is a fucking lie.

I want to find out what REAL love is!

Send me some courage
cuz I’m afraid to express…whatever it is…
and it wants to burst out of me.

domo arigatou gozaimashita.

how wonderful
when you look into someone’s eyes
smiling
shining like the sun
sharing joy love peace

and then

you look into someone else’s smiling eyes

and what do you see

but the same entity
shining back at you
as you saw
in the first person’s eyes

AAAAAAAAA

ZOMBIE

what’s meant to happen will happen
but i’m impatient!

where’s someone i can just hang out and be myself with?
outside of class too

maybe a girl would be better
weird things often happen when i act completely free around boys

AAAAAAAAAAAA

if it’s in my highest good and the highest good of all beings everywhere…

thank you wonderful oneness!

haha i was scrolling up and down to re-read this message (yes surprisingly it was several times scrutinized) and somehow, first, the word oneness somehow became highlighted…and then the word everywhere…

oneness
everywhere

I haven’t eaten in 6 days.
I wish I never had to eat.
Don’t get me wrong it can be fun
but it takes so much energy and time.
I feel like there are better things I could be doing
and it’s very addictive.

I’m tired of it.

Now I just need to figure out how to keep my body running
without food.

I have poison ivy!

How do you make it go away?

Somehow it seems that I should be able to help my skin understand that this plant is not a real threat, that it doesn’t need to mutilate itself over this oil.